Is it possible to find a way out of grief? How do you find hope in the most painful time? This year, our family suffered a horrific loss. A healthy, vibrant young man who was not only learning how to survive this world but was beginning to thrive in it. In the blink of an eye, a tragic motorcycle accident took him from us.

Could anything have changed on this day to stop it, or are we all assigned a day in and a day out of this world that will happen that day no matter what? It is what I was taught, but the reality of it still feels impossible to accept. We all know that death is an inevitable part of life and can come at any age, even to babies, children, and vibrant 39-year-olds. Sometimes, children pass away before their parents, or parents leave their children as orphans, no matter their age. Yet, when it happens outside of the order we expect, it leaves us shocked and angry. This guaranteed part of life still shatters us to our core.

We find ourselves grappling with disbelief, anger, and an all-consuming pain, asking, ‘How will this ever be okay again? How will I climb out of this hole of despair?’ I wish I had the answer. But perhaps the journey through grief is not about finding quick answers, it’s about finding the strength to take one small step forward each day, holding on to the hope that healing, in time, is possible.

When I first heard the news, I remembered the hairs on my arm standing on end. I guess at first it was shock, and I could not wrap my logical head around it. I remember saying live for the day. I think it was because of my belief that there is something good to learn from every life experience whether it is negative or positive, even if we cannot see it at the moment.

It reminded me of the time I got fired from a job and was devastated, only to meet my husband at the next one. To this day, I’m grateful for that unexpected turn of events. So, when I hear of an unexpected death, I usually think, this is their gift to remind us to live for the day.

But this wasn’t someone I heard about in passing; this was our nephew. And that ‘gift’ wasn’t working for me. This loss cut too deep, and the idea of finding meaning in it felt impossible.

I like to think my purpose in life is to give people hope in some way. That is why I write these blogs. How was I supposed to give anyone hope in this situation when I was feeling hopeless myself? After days of sadness, cycling through crying, anger, and moments of being ‘okay’ only to start the process all over again,I realized it was time to lean on my spiritual beliefs.

I can’t go through life telling others that ‘everything happens for a reason’ if I don’t have faith in that truth myself. I hold on to the belief that there’s a bigger picture we can’t yet understand that our energy never truly dies. I once heard it explained this way: our physical bodies are like a TV set. When the TV breaks, the signals that made it work don’t disappear, they’re still there, even if we can’t see them. That thought gives me comfort, but it still does not stop the grief, after all I am still a TV set.

So that brings me here. How do we cope with grief? I think that answer is different for everyone. But one thing is certain, grief cannot be allowed to destroy you. You have to do what you have to and go through it, not around it. That means facing the pain instead of compartmentalizing it to avoid it. It’s not easy, but if you let grief consume you, it wins, and I truly believe our loved ones wouldn’t want that for us. I like to believe they are somewhere rooting us on. Feeling proud when we honor them by getting up every day and going through the motions and doing what it takes to keep going until you can breathe again.

When I think about grief, I ask myself: If it were me who was gone, and I could see the people I love in so much pain, would I want that for them? Would you want your children, parents, or spouse to stop living a happy life because of your loss? I wouldn’t. I would want them to honor my memory by finding a positive outlet for their grief.

For me, that meant picking up a shovel and clearing snow from people’s driveways after a storm that week. It gave me a moment to take a break from the crying. And in my own way, I lovingly yelled at Joe for his timing, he lived in Florida, where my husband had to travel, while I froze in the snow.

Try to focus on their love not their loss. Remember the happiness they brought to your life and how they changed you for the better or the impact they had on the world. Imagine how they would want you to continue living, keeping their love as your motivation. When you get the moments that you might be ok remember healing doesn’t mean forgetting, it means learning to carry the love and the pain side by side. Over time, grief transforms, becoming a part of who you are, but not defining all that you are.

If you’re not yet finding moments of light on the other side of this, try to remember how they wouldn’t want this pain to consume you. Picture how they would want to be honored and loved through your actions.

There may come a time when you can help pull someone else out of despair by sharing your journey and showing them the way forward. You might choose to start a charity, organize a fundraiser, or find another meaningful way to honor their memory.

Writing this blog in the memory of my nephew was my way of finding an outlet to grief with the hope it will resonate or maybe help someone that is going through grief. Grief can come in many different forms beside death and there is no one on this earth that can escape a version of it. I can give textbook examples of what to do to cope with a loss of any kind, but it is personal and there is no textbook version way out of this. I can only leave you with this:

Don’t learn to live without them, instead, live for them, carrying their love and legacy in everything you do.

Patricia A Woods, PAW, talks Coping